Three sons and their mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts
they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You
remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she
can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that
recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12
years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name
the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Dear Son," she wrote to first son, "The house you built is
too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the
whole house clean!"

"Dear Son," she wrote second son I rarely use the
Mercedes."

"Dearest Son," she wrote to her third son, "You have the
good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious

No Sex Tonight

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

This is the example.....

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----WHAT?"

I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Source: Fwd email