During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word
bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?' Johnny said, 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
Source: Fwd email
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Read This!!!
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out
what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing
something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step
up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving
up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less from people but more from God.
Source: Fwd email
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out
what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing
something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step
up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving
up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less from people but more from God.
Source: Fwd email
Monday, August 25, 2008
Three sons and their mom
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts
they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You
remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she
can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that
recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12
years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name
the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Son," she wrote to first son, "The house you built is
too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the
whole house clean!"
"Dear Son," she wrote second son I rarely use the
Mercedes."
"Dearest Son," she wrote to her third son, "You have the
good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious
Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts
they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You
remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she
can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that
recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12
years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name
the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Son," she wrote to first son, "The house you built is
too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the
whole house clean!"
"Dear Son," she wrote second son I rarely use the
Mercedes."
"Dearest Son," she wrote to her third son, "You have the
good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious
Friday, August 22, 2008
No Sex Tonight
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
This is the example.....
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----WHAT?"
I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Source: Fwd email
This is the example.....
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----WHAT?"
I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Source: Fwd email
Monday, May 26, 2008
What is Love
A group of 4 to 8 year-old Children was asked, "What does love mean?"
The answers they gave were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday (Tina - age7)
My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night (Clare - Age 5)
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth. (Billy - age 4)
When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. (Rebecca - age 8 )
Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs ( Chris - age 6 )
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired (Terri - age 4 )
Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK (Danny - age 7)
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. (Tommy - age 6 )
During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. That's love (Cindy -age 8)
Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken (Elaine - age 5)
Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day
(Mary Ann - age 4 )
Source: Fwd email
The answers they gave were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday (Tina - age7)
My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night (Clare - Age 5)
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth. (Billy - age 4)
When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. (Rebecca - age 8 )
Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs ( Chris - age 6 )
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired (Terri - age 4 )
Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK (Danny - age 7)
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. (Tommy - age 6 )
During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. That's love (Cindy -age 8)
Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken (Elaine - age 5)
Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day
(Mary Ann - age 4 )
Source: Fwd email
An Old Lady on the Cruise Ship
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Source: Fwd email
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Source: Fwd email
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Love in a Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a Crisis
by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded
that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"
Source: Fwd email
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a Crisis
by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded
that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"
Source: Fwd email
Monday, May 12, 2008
Dont Interrupt!
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and
Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting
that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and
said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the
rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At
the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.... and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to
do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt .
Source: Fwd:email
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